Some Bad News

The evening of July 5th I started spotting. All day on Thursday (July 6th) I spotted. Around 8 pm I started bleeding heavily. We dropped Holden off at his Grandma and Grandpa's and me & Matt headed to the ER. 2 hours later I finally got a room. Matt wasn't allowed back with me though. They were just letting patients in because they were on tight security. I waited and waited and finally a doctor came to talk to me. He said it didn't look good. He told me they would take blood to check my hcg levels. I have a really bad needle phobia so I was really hoping they would let Matt back soon. I asked the doctor about it and he said he would tell the nurse to let him back. The charge nurse said absolutely no one could come back.:-(

The nurse came to draw my blood. She had issues finding my vein on the inside of my arm so she tried my hand. Blood started gushing everywhere. I couldn't look because I thought I was going to be sick, but I could feel blood running down my hand. After that fiasco, Matt was finally let back. We waited for what seemed forever, then the doctor came in to do a pelvic exam. He told me that my blood looked okay, but the hcg levels were lower than he would like. After the pelvic, I was wheeled to the next floor to have an ultrasound.

My heart was pounding so hard as we waited for the ob doctor. Before she did the ultrasound she wanted to do another pelvic. She said the er doctors usually are too afraid to take their time. She said my cervix was closed, which is good, but that there was a lot of blood clots. She took a lot of samples of the blood. I remember looking at her face and the nurse that was assissting. They looked concerned. I knew the outcome couldn't be good.

Now for the ultrasound. I was looking at the screen and at first I saw nothing. It looked empty. Then as she moved the wand some I saw a little blob-- much like what Holden looked like at the early ultrasounds. I was really excited. That quickly dispersed when I looked over at Matt. He had his head down. He looked really sad. The OB and nurse also looked somber. I looked closely at my baby and noticed it wasn't moving. I vaguely remembered Holden's early ultrasounds, but it started coming back to me. He was flashing around on his ultrasound. There was no movement on this one. No one said anything during the whole ultrasound. The OB took measurements of the baby and printed out pictures.

When she was finished she said, "It looks like there was a pregnancy there." The words 'looks like' and 'was' stuck out in my head. She told me that the baby was only measuring 8 weeks (I should of been around 12 weeks). She said there was no cardiac activity. My heart sank. It was the worst feeling ever. I felt so empty. I asked her what we do now. She said I could have a d&c or I could pass the baby naturally. I chose the latter.

I went back to the ER room to change. Me and Matt headed to Wal-Mart to pick up some pads-- the OB said there would be a lot of bleeding. It was 3 oclock in the morning by this time. I couldn't believe what had happened. I just couldn't. 2 days previous it was the 4th of July. Me, Matt, and Holden met up with Angie, Eddie, Taylor, and Jesse. We went to 4th on Broadway and had a great time. I remember seeing all of these other pregnant women. I remember feeling so happy. I was looking forward to feeling my baby move inside of me. I had an appointment scheduled for the 14th to have an ultrasound. I was so excited for that. I was hoping that just maybe they could tell me the gender of my baby. Now none of that will take place.:-(

On Friday I had a lot of contractions. It was really painful, but by 2 pm they had ceased. The next morning I woke up in a lot of pain. The contractions were much more intense. From about 7 in the morning until 4 I was having horrible contractions. I was in so much pain. I took motrin, but it did nothing. The contractions were coming about a minute apart. Every time one would hit I would scream in pain. Matt was really scared. He wanted to take me to the ER, but I was hesitant. I didn't know if I could handle the pain with all those people there. I knew the wait would be long. We finally went because I could not handle the pain anymore. I just wanted it to be over.

We dropped Holden off at Angie's and went to the ER. In the waiting room, I was in excruciating pain. When I would have a contraction I would lean into Matt. It took everything I had not to scream. After about 30 minutes, it was getting worse. During each contraction, I really didn't know how much more I could handle. I went to the bathroom. I was bleeding really bad. I was throwing up too. It was awful. Matt moved over to the chairs by the bathroom. I kept coming out to him and then the second I sat down I would run back to the bathroom. I had to scream. So, when I was in the bathroom I would scream. It's the only way I could handle the contractions. The blood started increasing even more and I was really scared. Each time I would go back and sit with Matt I would feel light headed.

At one point I sat down and immediately got back up. I was about to walk in to the bathroom when all of a sudden blood started gushing out of me. I could feel it through my pants. Immediately I felt a sense of relief. I sat down by Matt. I was feeling better. The pain had lessened to just a crampy feeling. It was much much much more tolerable. I stood up to let Matt look at my pants. I knew I had bled through and he confirmed it. Just then we were called back. They put me on a morphine drip. The doctor did a pelvic exam. A couple hours later an OB came in to do another exam. She used instruments to clean our my uterus. It was very painful. I guess I was sore from the contractions. She finally finished. I was given a prescription for doxycycline (an antibiotic) and cytotec (something to clean me out).

This whole ordeal has been the most painful thing I have gone through, both emotionally and physically. Me and Matt are very scared to have any more children. I guess we will wait a while until we feel more at ease, if that will ever happen.